So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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