even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
