My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Welp...herpes.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
