She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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