You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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