we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Can I color on your dick again?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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