I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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