You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
