the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
