I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
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I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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