Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
