How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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