I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
