drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
