He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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