smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
