he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
