I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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