Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He told me they were just razor bumps!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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