I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
