If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
