Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My vagina just clenched in fear
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
