so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
