I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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