he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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