this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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