my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We need to get me chipped asap
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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