Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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