I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
