My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
