I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
