Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
