I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
