I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
