let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
