Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
