there's paper in my vomit.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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