im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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