Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
