If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
