I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
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Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
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I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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