If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
