I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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