It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
