More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
