Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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