he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
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Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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