Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got inside last night via doggy door
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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