he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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