i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
