So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
