My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
