Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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