I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
