Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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