Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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