Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Still dying that you shit outside
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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